Fight City Hall
something i wrote in college
They are going to charge me for that. As if the modem did not deserve it. They’ll waltz right in and say it to my face too.
“We are going to have to bill your account for damages done to our device,” they’ll say like the sniveling swine that they are.
“But you sent me a damaged modem after you wouldn’t let me use the one I already own,” I’ll declare reasonably. But my reason will fall on deaf ears.
They don’t see reason at Time Warner Cable, just another way to screw you over. I think that if they had all the money in the world they would still find a way to charge us.
“Now that we have all the cash,” they’d laugh as I cower beneath them in my pajamas, “We will need to exact another form of payment.” They want blood, they want sinew and fat. I’ll get up and run but it won’t do any good. They’ll start chasing me with their military boots and their Ethernet belts and I won’t have nowhere to run to anyway. My pace will break records, but only for the couple milliseconds that it takes for them to catch up. They’ll tackle me to the ground and when I beg for them to just leave me alone they’ll punch me in the back of the head with their networking equipment. Competition in the marketplace is what will be on my lips but their cackles will mask my pleas.
Then they’ll take out their jagged CAT-5 cables and they’ll send their activations signals and jam them straight into the back of my neck. Then they’ll say that’ll be $55 a month and forget to finish installation.
Yeah. Probably.
I bet if I screamed at the top of my lungs maybe my internet would start to work.
I bet if I jumped up and down and woke up my neighbors my internet would start to work.
I bet if I married into the Time Warner Cartel my download speeds would be amazing.
I bet they’re watching me right now and laughing. Is this funny to you? This a good joke?! You want a show? I’ll put on a show.
I walk over to my toolbox and pull out the hammer, the good one. I let it fly. I smash the router. I smash the cable connection. I smash my TV for lack of more things to smash, and the I smash the smashed modem some more. I smash each and every piece into a fine powder and then I take that powder and I snort it and I can feel RRRRGG BLIP EAH EAH EAH dialup sounds as I rip my shirt off and snarl at the unseen agents of compromise.
***
“Excuse me, Mayor?” The assistant poked his rat nose into the room hesitantly.
“What?” The Mayor was in no mood on this day.
“Well there has been an incident and it seems that… Well there was a—“
“Spit it out already I do not have all day.”
“It is your brother, Mayor, your brother managed to get himself arrested again.”
“Ah Christ, what did he manage to do this time? And would you pick up that damned phone already?”
“Sorry, ma’am,” the assistant fumbled for the phone and managed to pick it up after almost dropping it three times, “Mayor’s office, how may I direct your— oh,” the assistant took on that look the Mayor hated so much and sheepishly handed the receiver to the mayor.
“Yes, yes what is it? … Are you kidding me? … I cannot be bailing you out all goddamn day every goddamn day. This is the last time. I’ll pull some strings, do NOT come asking me for a new place to live I have done that enough already,” with that she hung up the phone loudly. A quick grimace told the assistant all he needed to know, he left in a rush and closed the door gently behind him.
***
I have moved out of my apartment because I have decided that I did not like the décor. I talked with my advisors and my sister and it was decided that the best thing to do in this circumstance is to spend some time away from an apartment so that I can know myself a little bit better. It isn't very fair, moving into so many apartments in such a short period of time only to find out that we aren't compatible and moving out of my own free will and without being evicted which is what happened. It just is not fair to those apartments to treat them so disposable. So I have elected to move into the park for some time to get back to my roots.
It seems there are already a few decorations up. This one is great, the number 15 and the symbols "M", "P", and "H" are some of my favorite numerals and letters, now that is a good sign. I am not so fond of the sign that says "STOP" because it is red and I find red to be a wholly gaudy affair, but at least that decoration is at the far end of my new domicile.
Wait a minute. What is this one. I do not like this one at all.
Who are they to say that I can’t walk on the grass? I love the grass. When I was a small child my favorite thing in the entire solar system was leaping and running and rolling in those soft green blades. My clothing was covered with grass stains and I wore them like a wedding ring.
My whole life I have lived in this town, my whole life I have.
If they think they are going to post up signs that infringe upon my God-given right to frolic and romp around in that emerald sea they got another thing coming.
***
“Excuse me, Mayor, we have another summons from your brother.”
“Ah Christ, what will his majesty want now?” she outstretched her arm, the one with the Rolex on it, towards her assistant expectantly.
“I haven’t read it of course ma’am, the documents are sealed for your eyes only as always, but he was mumbling something about his god-given right to frolic when he showed up with this.
“Oh for fuck’s sake I do not have the time, I bet he’s already dropped this and moved on to the next thing before he even left the building. Did you get the police chief on the phone?”
***
The last time I saw the Moon it was circling around this squirrel in my apartment complex. It did not seem to be a particularly special squirrel, and the rodent must not have appreciated the gravity it was emitting as it did not so much as shake the celestial body’s hand. I mouthed “Sorry, he gets like this” at the moon but it did not seem too concerned with my apology nor Samazon’s (yeah I know, most people just call the pretentious squirrel Sam) poor manners. Samazon was raised in a barn and never bothered to shut the door behind him or take his elbows off the dinner table. Luckily when he dines at my residence he cannot reach the table, as I intentionally had it designed for humans and not free-loading rodents.
I know what Genie would think of me scrutinizing this tree rat. She would say, “What? Put on some pants and leave those animals alone.” She is always infringing on my agency and she does it with this condescending look that tells me that she knows about the switch on the back of my neck and she is not afraid to flip it. I wonder who told her about the installation, no doubt one of her cronies from the office. They had their eyes and ears everywhere, and there is no doubt in my mind that she may have even had them install the switch to keep me in check. The last thing she needs right now is for her undeniably intellectually superior brother to muck things up with her campaign. Ha! Like I would even want to be Mayor. She can have it, I’ll give it to her.
It took some doing but I finally managed to get Genie on the phone. She did not like the words I used, but I didn’t like the phone she was using. I found it smug. The receiver was as high and mighty as the microphone was contaminated with deceit. She told me that the signs were commonplace and not a thing to be up in a huff about, but I knew what she really meant. She wanted me to stay far away from that area all together because she has a plan and I am not supposed to know that plan. Well I have a plan of my own, and it is one that I am not letting her know. We will see who Mom is most proud of after this week.
***
The Mayor shuffled her papers in the most mayoral way she could muster. There were decisions to be made and a decisive attitude was required to make them. She placed her coffee in her assistant’s outstretched hand and sat up with a jerk.
“I need you to travel down to the park and post these flyers on the trees,” she tossed the manila folder of flyers her way and turned her attention to her advisor as her assistant leapt from the room, “How are the polls doing?”
“You’re falling in the single mother demo,” the advisor said through a puff of smoke.
“Single mothers? What problem could those whores possibly have with me?”
“They think you’re too cold, ma’am, but I’m sure they just haven’t seen your good side.”
“Flattery is not going to get you that pay raise, only a landslide election will.”
“I’m well aware, and that’s why I have taken the liberty of drawing up some plans for you to peruse. You may not like all of them.”
“Give me the gist I’m not in a reading mood.”
“And I’m not in a hand holding mood, if you want to win this election you are going to have to face the numbers.”
“My numbers? What’s wrong with my numbers?”
“Your numbers are fine for now, but Danforth is encroaching upon your lead. I have outlined three plans to address this issue,” the advisor placed three manila envelops on the Mayor’s desk, “I suggest you look them over in private.” The Advisor left.
***
I shuffle my papers on my plywood desk to to find the pattern. My assistant appears to be drunk again, I knew I should have hired from a more experienced pool but if you want to get something done you have to do it quickly and without any forethought. If my sister does not want to free up the grass then I’m going to have to hit her where it hurts.
I lean in to my assistant’s ear and do my best not to gag on the smell of piss that has stained his clothing as I tell him, “Take this to City Hall, they’ll know what to do.” I press a several scraps of paper into his hands and slap him on the back, “Off, Bruno! To City Hall!” He takes off in the wrong direction so I leap back up from my seat and call out, “Bruno, no! The other way! Towards the sun.” Bruno stops to scratch his head. I sigh and point him the way. He salutes and resumes his gallop. He may be a drunken moron but at least he’s loyal.
I relax into the executive folding chair and being to ponder the power of the Mayor’s office in this town and whether or not I will succumb to its corrupting nature when a raccoon leaps out from one of the garbage cans that supports my desk, causing it to crumble into its raw materials: two overturned trashcans and a piece of driftwood lay bare on the cement. The raccoon stops to turn to look at me, in his mouth is the half a banana I was intending on saving for lunch. It runs off.
Well, it seems that my sister will stop at no length to prevent my campaign. The very fact that she would waste city resources to train a raccoon to steal my sustenance and sabotage my office proves that I have her sweating. Well keep worrying, sis, because I am coming for your seat and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop me.
***
The Mayor was indeed sweating, “Bennet!” she called as loudly as possible. “Bennet would you turn up the goddamn AC? It is a fucking sauna in here and, as lovely as that may sound, I also need to look over these documents and would far prefer them to be dry. “Bennet?” The Mayor shrugged, Bennet must have run off to do whatever it is he kept running off to do. She pulled up the file on possible replacements for him before remembering that his employment termination would no doubt reflect poorly on his grandfather’s campaign donations. “Nepotism,” she mumbled angrily as she turned her attention back towards the plans. Andrew was right, she did not like any of the plans very much. All three had one aspect or another that seemed dreadful to her. That is why she hired him after all, he was not afraid to tell her to her face what had to be done. Well… she supposed in a sense he was, as he made certain to leave the building long before she opened the first envelop. But he still made sure she heard the news and that was what was important. She could not blame him for his reluctance to stick around, especially after what happened with his predecessor.
***
Bruno left hours ago, I am beginning to suspect that he has been taken hostage by the Mayor’s secret service. He knew the risks when he signed up, I just pray they are going easy on him. The Mayor’s chambers are globally renowned for their state-of-the-art interrogation chambers. I cannot dwell on him for too long, I have business to attend to.
I begin my usual rounds from the soup kitchen over towards the park, receiving several campaign donations from concerned citizens along the way. These people are what I am running for office for, I think as I rifle through the coins in the can. My supporters do not have much to give today it seems, but no matter: the will of the people is strong and my reputation precedes me. Once I’m on the ballot there will be no question of whether or not I will have the funds to continue campaigning. You say the right things and the right people come to listen, it’s how the political game works and, boy, am I an all star on that court.
The only thing I seem to be missing is a slogan. There will be plenty of time for that on the debate stage tonight. Bruno may or may not have delivered his message, but regardless I will be attending.
***
“They are ready for you, Mrs. Mayor.”
“Did you warm them up properly? If I walk out to anything less than a standing ovation it will be your head.”
***
The crowd seems sufficiently excited for my debut as this town’s new favorite politician. Excellent. Maybe Bruno managed to deliver the message before he was assailed by our city’s current mayor’s goons. Now to make my way to the podium. I clear my throat so that the voice of the people does not come across as groggy. Stepping up from behind the stage I reach the podium and begin my bows.
“Thank you for coming here today,” I begin exactly as planned. “How do you do? No time to wait for a response from each and every one of you, go ahead and answer all at once.” The crowd answers in unison. Many of them say “Alright I suppose,” some say “I could be better,” and one or two individuals shout something about negligence regarding the water supply. “I hear you,” I rope them in, “And all of your concerns will be answered if I am elected Mayor.”
“Our town has suffered long enough under the rule of my petulant sister. I, as the older and more mature brother, will usurp her throne and bring peace to the people. Peace from what? you may ask. Peace of mind. Peace of military nature. Piece of cake. In fact, that is my new campaign slogan.” The crowd seems to be warming up sufficiently, they certainly aren’t cold on a day like this one.
“I will now get into the more specific nature of my plan. It involves tracking down my good associate Bruno whom the current Mayor’s goons have undoubtedly locked up in one of Ozark's many secret prisons located beneath the foundation of city hall. Once I have freed Bruno and whatever other political prisoners are surely being illegally detained and tortured within city property, I will address the grass-related prohibition our city has taken part in,” the crowd cheers rather loudly on that note, louder than I had expected. It makes sense, people want to be able to walk on the grass, they need it legalized. I should not be so surprised that the good people of my town would be so receptive to my plan. “I am glad to hear you agree! On to my next point, Time Warner Cable will hereby be abolished and I will get to sit in their big comfortable chair that they have sitting next to all of their central networking equipment. The comfort of this chair is talked about all over the lands far beyond the reaches of our great city and I think it is absolutely absurd that any position other than Mayor of this town should involve filling that particular seat. It will be my ass in that chair or none at all!” Not as many cheers as I thought on that note, but you can’t please everybody.
“Some people have asked me what my process is for how I come up with such great ideas for legislation. I tell them this and that is that I have to go down to the sacred creek behind Ol' Harrison's barn," there is a slight cheer of familiarity from the crowd for the mention of Ol' Harrison and his barn, "and place my foot into its waters. Once that has been accomplished I sing. I have a great song. I sing it beautifully for a few hours and then I rest my head.
I take a breath. I hold that breath.
I bend to place my hand around my foot that is submerged into the sacred waters. I observe the dirt at my heels and on my pants. I let it remind me of my roots. I remove the shoe. I remove the shoe and I exhale the breath and I stand up. I watch the shoe drift downstream."
I pause for dramatic effect and also because I cannot presently remember what I am getting to. Ah, yes.
"After that, I have to find a new shoe. This can be complicated as most merchants are not willing to sell you just one shoe and I find it a waste to keep throwing away a perfectly good shoe if it doesn’t involve some sort of ritual. The frustrations that I accumulate while arguing with shoe store clerks and the police officers they call is my muse."
I look out to the crowd and can see that I am losing them, I had better unbury my lead.
"I sit in the cell for the night and I write up millions of great ideas to help our fair city. Here is one: the town barber should cut my hair. Here’s another: I like police dogs, but I’m not such a fan of the police. We should make a standalone dog that has all of the great parts of a police dog but without the law enforcement connotation. We could export this new dog to other towns and that would bring a surplus of funding that we could then use to convert all of the police dogs to the new standalone king of dog because at that point we will all surely agree that the standalone dog is far superior.”
I stop and look at the crowd, sure that I have won them over with my beautiful process. Now I can drop the hammer.
“It is at this time that I have chosen to announce that our town will have a new name under this new Mayor that I am going to be. We will change our name from Ozark to the People’s Republic of Lasting Appeal. PRLA will be our name and we will shout as much every day at precisely 8 AM when the trumpets that I will have installed begin playing this cool sound a cat was making this morning that I recorded. “
“I know that you all would love for me to continue on at length about the other goods I will do for this town, but we must give fair time to the incumbent, as futile as that may be. My staff will be setting me up with a Twitter account so that I can further convey how beautiful and how much smarter everyone in this town will be after I am elected. Thank you.”
***
“Uh, Ms. Mayor? There has been a development,” the assistant stammered as gingerly let himself in through the oak panel door to the fluorescent-lit room, “A drifter appears to have found his way to the podium.”
The Mayor stared stunned at the assistant before, “What is the problem? Why doesn’t security just escort him off the stage?”
“I would not advise we do that at this time, Genie,” the manager blurted abruptly,” the Mayor pulled her shoulder away from his grasp and did not know what to say. She felt as though she were in a dream. “What is going on here? I do not understand why this is an issue.”
The assistant started before Andrew motioned for his silence and continued, “The homeless individual is your brother. And he’s winning over the crowd.”
Now the Mayor knew she was dreaming. “Ah Christ, someone fetch me my whistle.”
***
The Mayor walks briskly out to her podium where she is blindsided by a sight she did not believe. “What in God’s name is he doing here?” she thought rationally before devolving into anger, “After everything I’ve done for him and this is how he repays me? By causing a scene at my very important fundraiser? That is just like him. I cannot put up with this any longer.” The Mayor steps toward the podium and taps her brother on the shoulder.
“Ah, the incumbent,” her brother ruffled his coat before turning towards the audience, “Here is the woman that stands in the way of progress. Here is the woman that would have us frolic on the sidewalks so that her precious grass remains pure and Aryan, just the way she likes it. Here is the—" and with that the Mayor pulled out the whistle that had been fetched for her and blew on it as hard as she could. The audience stared perplexed, unanimously figuring that the whistle must be broken as it has yet to produce a sound. The Mayor's brother falls to his knees and lets loose a blood curdling shriek before losing consciousness and falling to the floor.
The Mayor snaps her fingers twice and two paramedics clad in white uniforms run on stage with a stretcher and cart the new candidate offstage. The Mayor clears her throat, "Hello, my fellow Ozarkians."